Karen Carpenter

Which sentence is correct, and what does Karen Carpenter have to do with it?

A. If I were thinner, I would be happy.
B.  If I was thinner, I would  be happy.

All you grammar nerds know that the correct answer is A. It's called the subjunctive voice. If you want to express something that isn't actually true, you say, "If I were . . . ."

Of course, neither statement is factually true. A smaller waistline does not buy lasting happiness. Neither does a bigger bust or straighter teeth or higher cheekbones.

But a lot of people buy the lie. Some people don't stop at dieting or exercise or push-up bras. Their struggle with body image is a disease such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia or obsessive-compulsive disorder. This time of the year, Karen Carpenter comes to mind. Her voice is on all the Christmas radio stations, but we lost her in 1983 when she was 32. She died of heart failure as the result of anorexia. It was early in our public
education about eating disorders although there are medical records of women with these disorders as early as the nineteenth century.

Today treatment is more advanced. Thanks be to God for physicians and therapists who know how to treat these disorders. Our God is a God of healing, and God has put the power to help and heal in the hands of friends and professionals. Jesus said, "The Spirit of the Lord has sent me to release the oppressed." (Luke 4) This includes the oppression of eating disorders and mental illness.

You'll hear Karen Carpenter sing, "Merry Christmas, Darling," this month. At the end of the song she sings, "I wish I were with you." That's the correct use of the subjunctive voice because Karen's not with us. I'm a grammar nerd, but I would gladly give up correcting my kids' syntax if I could have Karen's voice back -- live and in person.

We wish you were with us, too, Karen. Here's to hope for healing for all the oppressed. That's what Christmas is about.

Girls or Women?

I was watching an episode of Big Bang Theory, a great sitcom with hilarious writing if you can ignore the premarital sex. Leonard, Raj, and Howard (three of the main characters) were at a party along with a lot of young females who looked to be in their early twenties and whom Leonard and his friends consistently call “girls.” Not women – girls.  No big deal, right?

What if the situation had been reversed? If the room had been full of males in their early twenties, would the writers of the show have called them boys? Probably not. When males reach adolescence we often shift to calling them guys. We don’t consider them children anymore, but we’re not ready to call them men yet. We have this term somewhere in the middle – guys. It works nicely.

Granted, males at middle age may say they are “going out with the boys,” and we understand that they are going out with other adult males. But generally, we stop calling males “boys” sometime in the teen years. By the time males are in their mid-twenties, we usually refer to them as guys or men. 

When it comes to females, we don’t make the same change. A seven-year-old female is a girl, and a twenty-five year old female is a girl.  Why?

I suggest it’s because we don’t feel the need to treat females with the same respect.

Try this diagnostic test. Imagine you are addressing a small group of college-aged males whom you have known for years. Do you say, “I’m glad you boys could come tonight”? Or would that sound a bit disrespectful? If the group were female, would you feel comfortable saying, “I’m glad you girls could come tonight”? Is there a difference? Give it some thought and listen to yourself. I’ve caught myself calling young adult females “girls” when I would not call young adult males “boys.”

Do words matter?

The words are a symptom. The root of the problem is a lower view of women than men. Should we care? Does God care?

Does God frown on treating grown women made in God’s image as children? Does God disapprove when we don’t offer women the same respect we offer men?

Hmm . . . yeah, maybe.

Inner Beauty?

It could very well be that you are not beautiful.

In the time and place where I live, large eyes + high cheekbones + small nose + full lips = beauty. More or less. If you don't have this equation, it's possible that you are not beautiful. At least by the prevailing American definition.

Well, let's talk about your inner beauty. Eye roll. Some of you are thinking, Inner Beauty is what people gush about to make you feel better if you are not outwardly beautiful.

But what is inner beauty anyway? How is it defined? If a person is kind, loyal, funny, and trustworthy, does that make her beautiful? I don't think so. That makes her behavior beautiful. What if she's mean, bitter and unfaithful? That's ugly behavior, but it does not make her spirit -- her self -- ugly.

Bad behavior has no effect on your worth. A person has value because she or he is made in God's image. That's it. What you do matters, but behavior has no effect on the worth of your soul.

It's safe to say that anything created by God is beautiful. So welcome to the Beautiful People Club. Where high cheekbones are welcome and kindness is encouraged, but neither is a requirement for membership.

Mirrors

"I have five. Do I hear six hundred? Seven hundred dollars? Do I hear eight?"
The auctioneer asked for higher and higher bids, and my hopes of buying the mirrors slipped away.

At an art auction I had found a set of old mirrors. That's a photo of them. That's the shiny, reflective side you're looking at. Not too clear? That's what happens to mirrors that are 2,000 years old. They were fashioned in China and Korea, and some of them were made as early as 200 B.C. What did they look like when they were brand new? Even the shiniest metal gives a poor reflection compared to today's mirrors. 

My bathroom mirror gives a crystal-clear image, but it's reversed. If I touch my right ear, my reflection touches her left ear. The image is perfectly accurate but completely backward. When I look at my reflection through the lens of over forty years of cultural messages and propaganda, my thinking is often backward because I believe that parts of my body are ugly.

But our bodies are amazing. Especially in youth, they function beautifully. Blood is oxygenated and cleaned. Nerve cells send signals to the brain that are interpreted and acted upon at lightning speed. The brain stem tells my heart to beat so that my frontal cortex is free to think about theology or how to get out of cooking supper tonight.  But the culture says that this amazing body that runs and sings and eats is not good enough.

The culture is like a corroded, two thousand year old mirror. It shows you a distorted image. It's not the real you. An ancient mirror may go for over $1,000 at auction. But the real you is priceless.

Dad Bod

Have you heard about the Dad Bod? Apparently it's what women really want.

The Dad Bod is not chiseled. No six-pack abs or bulging biceps. It's the body of the man who can afford a mortgage. He's not so self-absorbed that he spends every moment at the gym. He's too busy caring for kids and cooking meals to pump iron. Or if he's single, he doesn't have all day to work out because he's busy helping underprivileged kids.

Women say they don't care if you put on some weight and lose some hair. But as Canadian singer Terri Clark sang in her 2004 song of the same title, "Girls Lie, Too." Lies like . . . it doesn't matter how big your paycheck is . . . we don't mind if you're not handsome . . . we don't care what you weigh or what you drive. Right. On our better days maybe.

On a deeper level that we don't talk about with anyone, a lot of us want more than a Dad Bod. We want the responsible husband, but we also want the bare-chested, chiseled man on the cover of the trashy novel. Why? Because the most handsome men get the most beautiful women. If my husband/boyfriend is not a 10, then I must not be either. And if I'm not beautiful, then I'm of no value.

But it's a lie. My value lies in being made by God in the image of God. I have value because Jesus didn't die for nobodies. If you're well-versed in Christian theology, you may think, "Oh, but I am a nobody. That's why it's so amazing that Jesus died for me." I beg to differ. What do you bring to the redemption equation? Nothing in your hand. But if you had no intrinsic value, Jesus would not have bothered to die for you. Who pays a ransom to get something back that has no value? The ransom was paid outside Jerusalem on a Friday. That's the body I need to focus on -- the one that hung on a cross. The dead and resurrected one -- the God Bod.

Breasts

In honor of breast cancer awareness month (which is October) and because I had a mammogram today, let's talk about boobs. That's a silly, disrespectful thing to call them, these amazing nourishment-producing parts of a woman's body. But, oh, how often breasts are treated with levity. Not that breasts must always be serious, but when talk arises of Hooters restaurant and wet t-shirt contests, many women -- be they large or small busted -- are uncomfortable.

Advertisers tell us that only large breasts are attractive to a man. It makes sense. Females who are not sexually mature have no breasts, and women who are sexually mature have breasts. So it follows that the bigger they are, the more mature and attractive the woman is to a sexually mature male who wishes to procreate. This, of course, is a lie, but it sells more push-up bras than the truth.

But what about Hooters and wet t-shirt contests? Don't they prove that men prefer big ones? No. If your breasts are large and you're wearing a tank top or wet t-shirt, then they're hard to miss. But get a man one-on-one and small breasts are just as arousing as large. Or so I'm told by friends who are male.

The media is also limited by obscenity laws. In most advertising, nipples and frontal nudity below the waist are verboten. So what choice do they have? Advertisers have a fraction of a second to get your attention, and bigger things catch the eye faster.

Ah, if only the media were like the mammogram machine. It's looking for small things, namely tumors, to identify a big thing, namely cancer. So look to the media for lies and to your mammogram machine for facts. It'll squeeze the truth right out of you.

God's help

I struggle with the magazine ads and Internet photos of "perfect" bodies. I tell myself to believe God's truth, not the culture's lies, about a woman's worth. I proclaim that we are made in God's image. But in my struggle, it never occurs to me to ask for God's help.

Do I think God is unconcerned when God's daughters (and sons) believe their worth is tied up in appearance? Is it possible that God cringes when commercials tell us we will not be beautiful until we buy their product? Well, if you overheard an adult tell a child, "You are worthless because your body doesn't measure up," would you be angry? Our anger is a reflection of God's anger. God cares about this. Ask for God's help.

So how should I pray?

God, help me stop comparing myself to other women. I don't know how to stop believing the lie that a beautiful woman must look like this or that. Show me how. Remind me not to click on the sites that extol or criticize a celebrity's body. Tell me if I'm demanding too much of myself when I think, "I must change my thinking on this NOW." I've been thoroughly brainwashed on this by our culture. It may take time to learn new thought habits. Help me to be patient with my brain.

How should YOU pray? I don't know because I don't know your struggle. Honesty is a good place to start. God's chosen people are called Israel. The name means "wrestles with God."  Wrestling with God is not always a bad thing. Better to wrestle with God than ignore God. We need God's help if we're going to wrestle with the culture. So climb into the ring, ask hard questions, and ask for healing and help.

There's the bell.

Fifty Shades

Is it okay to write about Fifty Shades of Grey if I haven't read the book or seen the movie? No, I don't think so. However, I have read a few blogs by people who have read/seen Fifty Shades. So I'm allowed to comment on the blogs.

It's interesting that the movie is condemned by both sides of the cultural divide. Since when do Left and Right agree? One feminist web site condemned the movie for promoting the use of force in sex. If both parties are fine with bondage/dominance/sadism/masochism as shown in Fifty Shades, that's okay, the writer said. But Anastasia, the female protagonist, does not give consent to everything done by Christian, the male lead. Lack of consent is the main problem.

What made me mad was the feminist's critique of some Christians' response. She accused Christians of focusing all their ire at the premarital sex and ignoring the consent issue. This is probably true of some Christians. We should condemn with equal vigor both the extramarital sex and the movie's approval of non consensual sexual activity. The thing is -- many Christians do give the two sins equal weight. Don't lump all Christians together in every accusation.

It also makes me mad when Christians lump all feminists together. Some of us feminists (yep, I include myself) are Christians and anti-sex-outside-of-marriage.

Here's my request for both sides: Please don't assume you know what all Christians think. Don't assume you know what all feminists think. Don't generalize. When you're painting your Fifty Shades of Grey, don't use too broad a brush.

Trapped

I am a woman. The culture tells me I must look my best. I must be pretty to attract a man. Some people in the Church say my highest calling is to be a wife and mother, so I must look nice to catch a man's eye. I must be tasty bait. Bait must be caught, trapped.

Others in the Church (or sometimes the very same people) say I must not attract too much male attention. They say, if a male desires me too much, it is my fault. If a male violates me to any degree, I'm to blame because I tempted him. I must not wear two-piece swim suits. I must not wear short skirts or any top that suggests I have breasts. 

"Do not wear anything that shows your figure at all," some women hear. "Don't even show your face because it could be a temptation. Come to think of it, a man could see you clad head-to-toe in a shapeless garment and still be tempted. So do not leave the house." Trapped.

I am a woman. I must attract men. I must repel men. I must live to meet the needs of men. I must do this out of obedience to God. That's what I hear.

I am a woman, and I am trapped. Please God, tell me you're not like those males. Tell me you are not male at all. Set me free.

Am I Beautiful?

I often write that women should not use the measuring stick of our culture. When you ask yourself, "Am I beautiful?" the answer is yes, no matter what anyone says. And inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. But a friend of mine got me thinking.

She's a size 28 and single. Over the years I've picked up the message that anyone that size is lazy. But I'm trying to teach myself to (1) mind my own business, because I don't know her story and struggle, (2) realize that a large person may be trying to lose weight and that the piece of cake on her plate could be a rare treat, and (3) did I mention I should mind my own business?

My friend is being treated by a doctor for a hormonal problem that affects her weight. She has a new healthy attitude about food. But she still struggles with the question, "Am I beautiful?" She has given me permission to quote her.

 

"It kills me," she says, "to think my own father cannot look at me and say I'm beautiful. I used to think being beautiful on the inside would be more than enough for me. But there is something inherent in women that yearns for beauty. And if our physical beauty is not affirmed by our own families, how can we expect anyone else to ever see us as beautiful? Or how can we affirm beauty in ourselves? Maybe if I were skinny, I would be married. On principle I do not want to be married if the only thing standing between singleness and wedded bliss is my physical appearance. But there's that little nagging voice inside me, the voice of my father."

 

Is she right? Is there something inborn in women that makes us yearn to be told we are lovely? Is it something we need to reject because it leans too heavily on meeting a cultural, physical standard? Or can we reject the standard and still embrace our desire to be beautiful?

 

I'll let you decide for yourself. And mind my own business.

How Women Feel

In China the toughest men go to "Pain Experience Camp."
Want to know how women feel during labor? In Jinan, a city in eastern China, husbands of pregnant women volunteer to have a technician tape four electrodes to their stomachs. The flow of current ranges from a tingle at level one to an excruciating level 10. Men gnash their teeth and their eyes go bloodshot before the simulator reaches its peak. Contractions would actually equal a 12, so I guess they take it easy on the men. Not to mention that what the men are doing lasts a few minutes, not hours on end like real labor.

This is a great idea. Every expectant father should know how women feel while giving birth. There are other kinds of pain women feel that I wish men could experience occasionally, just so they'd understand us a bit better.

• Men (and other women) question our competency merely because we're women.
• People call us bossy -- or the other B word -- for being assertive.
• Men ignore us if we're not beautiful.
• On the flip side, it's a liability to be beautiful in the boardroom because men (and some other women) assume you can't be beautiful and smart.

These are generalizations. Not all men question our competency. Some strong, authoritative women are well-respected. (Margaret Thatcher, anyone?) Often, once coworkers get to know us, they look past our looks. And I can't blame men too much for the negative assumptions because it's what they've been taught. It's what we've all been taught.

Let's go back to the classroom and start teaching the right stuff. Assume that a woman is just as competent as a man unless you have reason to believe otherwise. Praise girls for being assertive. Don't favor or discriminate against women who are beautiful.

Then men will know what it's like to be a woman because it will be a lot like being a man. We women will still have to birth the babies, though. Having done that once, I thank God for epidurals. I didn't care if my anesthesiologist was male or female, as long as the epidural worked. And it did. Pain Experience Camp was over, and I was one happy camper.

Sex and Santa Claus

Sex and Santa Claus: Lies Your Parents Told You. One day I will write that book. Can you think of two subjects parents lie about more? Okay, I know many parents will say they don't tell lies about Santa. They just let their kids indulge in a lovely fantasy. 

So if this is about sex and Santa, what did you learn as a child about sex? What did they tell you about the origin of babies? When I was very young, my parents told me they prayed for a baby, and that's how I came to be in the womb. There's truth to that. Later Mom gave me a proper plumbing lesson.

We hear as many lies about the value of our bodies as we do about sex. Most of the lies are related to sex because we're told we are not desirable unless we have the right shape, height, and facial features. How do we stop believing the lies?

1. Stop ingesting the poison. Don't click on the site that you know will make you feel inadequate.

2. Talk to real men about it. What do they consider beautiful in a woman? Many of them will tell you something different from what the diet or make-up company is telling you. Then ask yourself, "Which one is selling something?"

3. Even a man's opinion is not the bottom line. The most important fact is that you are created in God's image and that you have intrinsic value. It may sound dry and theological, but only until you internalize it. After that it's still theological, but wet -- like water -- life-giving. Truth is that way.

Naughty or nice. Lies are naughty. Truth is nice. Just ask Santa.

Advice for a Thirteen-Year-Old

Ever wish you could go back in time and give yourself some advice? Here's my advice for a thirteen-year-old me.

1. About that boy who insults you and makes obscene comments about your body: I'm not excusing his behavior, but cut him some slack. His dad died two years ago, and he's hurting more than you are.

2. Hang on to those A-cup bras, thirteen-year-old. You'll never need a bigger size. And that's not the tragedy you think it is.

3. Ignore photos in magazines that make models look "perfect." Those women don't really look like that. It's all lighting and make-up. And you won't believe what 2014 technology can do to photos.

4. There will be a movie produced in 1985 called, "Breakfast Club." Go see it. It will give you insight about the kids you go to school with. The ones you think are perfect and have everything together.

5. Every time you hear a friend or an enemy or the media say, "This is what you must look like to have worth," say to yourself, "It's a lie."

6. Do number 5 again because the media will get more pervasive. There's this thing coming called the Internet, and it will spread lies.

7. The good news is that the Internet will also spread truth. You'll write a blog in 2014, and maybe you'll help the truth along. Never mind what a blog is. Just start taking notes now on your smart phone. Wait -- the only phone you have is a plain ol' phone. All is not lost -- including your phone because it's attached to the wall by a cord. Enjoy the good ol' days.

Cat-calls

Are cat-calls compliments?

I mean, really, what woman doesn't want to be admired by men for the way she looks?

Syndicated columnist Suzanne Fields writes that recently-elected Republican women are the embodiment of female power, as opposed to women Democrats who, according to Fields, "are focusing on victimhood and crying harassment at every slur and imagined arrow."

Fields mentions a video in which a woman walks through New York for ten hours. (She's not the woman in the photo above. The video woman was wearing a sweatsuit. Not that it matters.) She receives more than one hundred cat-calls from men. Fields scoffs at the idea that it's harassment when a man calls out, "What's up, beautiful?" or "What ya doin' today?"

"There was nothing menacing in the flirtatious banter," says Fields, and she recommends that women "Shake It Off," as Taylor Swift's new song advises.

Ms.Fields is wrong. If my husband or boyfriend says, "What's up, beautiful?" it's a welcome compliment from a man who has earned the right to comment on my appearance. Men who are strangers have no such right, even if it sounds like a compliment. What about a male co-worker? Is he inbounds if he tastefully compliments my appearance? Even that may be inappropriate at the office depending on the relationship. If we are in a group at a bar for happy hour, a polite compliment is probably acceptable if both of us are single. It's flirting. If I flirt back, it means I am comfortable with the gentleman's interest.

But the stranger on the street has no right to make any comment, positive or negative, on my appearance, and I have no right to comment on his.

Perhaps what Fields fails to appreciate is that there are degrees of harassment. Obviously, an unwelcome compliment is not rape. But that does not make cat-calls okay.

It's good to pay someone a compliment on their appearance.

But earn the right first.

Heal the Body Image

Ever watched your body heal?

I was cooking last week when my right wrist made contact with the inside of my oven.

"Ouch!" I quickly ran cold water over the spot. It hurt for a few minutes, and then I forgot about it.  It slowly began to heal. The area turned pink over the next few days and only hurt if I touched it. Then the skin turned dark and began to peel. Now I have a large tear-drop shaped scar with new-pink skin inside a ring of brownish peel. In a few days it will hard to spot the wound.

Have you considered how amazing it is that the body heals itself? Think of the hundreds of cuts and burns you have sustained since childhood. What if they didn't heal? You'd probably be sick or dead from infection.

And that's just one angle. Think of the thousands of processes your body performs every day to protect itself, to process information, to move, digest, clean the blood.

This is the body I hate. At least I hate parts of it. This is the body I'm told is not enough.

Makes me want to respond to all the magazines, "Are you kidding? You're telling me this is ugly? This walking, talking, healing work of art?"

If you believe in a sentient, personal Creator, as I do, you have to admire the God who made such a thing.

So watch out when cooking. You don't want to damage the artwork. But if you do, take a peek under the Band-Aid every day or so. Watch the healing of your body, and it might begin the healing of your soul.

Renee Zellweger

What to say about Renee?

Renee Zellweger, that is. She showed up at the Elle Women in Hollywood Awards and was not quite herself. Or at least she didn't look like herself.

Did she get a face lift? Have her eyes done? She hardly looks like the same person.

My first reaction was, whatever you've done, Renee, undo it because your face is your brand. The little bit of marketing I've learned says to always be recognizable. People come to expect something from you, and you need to deliver. Take, for example, Coca Cola's red label. Pick it up anywhere in the world, and you know what you're getting. It's predictable and safe, and that's what customers want.

But do I really want to compare Renee Zellweger to a soda? She's a person. She's more than a business, more than an actor.

Zellweger says her new look is due to healthier living and happiness. If that's true, good for her. I'm not opposed to plastic surgery, either, to a degree. If someone wants an eye lift, that's a personal decision. Bottom line, I hope she's healthy and happy. So, pop open a soda in honor of Renee.

As the Coke slogan says, Open Happiness.

Feminine Definitions

A few months back I sent this tweet about femininity.

"Some girly girls wear ribbons and bows. Other girly girls where bullet-proof vests and hard hats."

Whatever a girl does, that is girly. If girly = feminine, what is femininity? My dictionary says:

Definition 1: of, or belonging to, the female sex
Definition 2: possessing qualities generally attributed to a woman

Ah! Now it's getting more interesting. #1 means, related to the female. #2 shifts the meaning to what people generally think of when they think of women. My dictionary goes further in a special note saying that sometimes the use of the word feminine means what is appropriate for a woman.

What is appropriate for a woman?

Gentleness?
Strength?
Assertiveness?

Are those qualities appropriate for men? We describe a man as balanced if he has all three traits.
If a woman has them, well that's fine, too. Sorta. Sometimes behavior lauded as assertive in men is condemned as rude in women. Why? Because it's not what we're accustomed to. So we don't associate it with womanhood.

Perhaps it depends on the woman's audience. We are pleased if a woman is assertive and authoritative with her children. We are wary if a woman is assertive in a corporate board room if men are present.

Perhaps it depends on one's age. I'm forty-six. Because of what I saw women do when I was a child in the 70s, I must admit my reaction may be to interpret a woman's assertive behavior as pushy. A twenty-six year old may not react that way because he or she is accustomed to women acting assertively.

What is your standard for femininity or masculinity? What you've seen since childhood? What a holy book tells you? What your peers say?

Think on it. And if you choose to speak out, I suggest you put on the bullet-proof vest and hard hat because this battle can get ugly.

Am I a Woman?

"'Do I have what it takes to be a man?' That's what a man asks himself," my male friend told me.

No, I replied, I've never asked myself that kind of question. It's never been a matter of, "Am I a woman?" Of course I am. I have two X chromosomes, don't I?

Well, I've changed my mind. I have indeed asked myself, Am I really a woman? It's just that men and women have different criteria. With men it's often a matter of accomplishment. Can I make it in the real world? Can I hold a job and support a family?

Of course, many women are the sole or primary providers for their families. And I almost wish women had that set of criteria for judging themselves. It may be better to judge ourselves by what we do than by how we look which is how women often evaluate themselves. Am I pretty enough? Curvy enough?

But neither sex should judge themselves by these criteria.

There's a story about Jesus that speaks to this. He was asked whether Israelites should pay the Roman tax. His enemies hoped to trap him. If he said yes, then they would accuse him of supporting Rome's occupation. If he said no, they could haul him in to the Roman authorities and accuse him of sedition.

"Show me the coin used to pay the tax," Jesus said. Someone handed him one.
"Whose image is on it?" he asked them.
"Caesar's," they answered. 
"So, give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar," Jesus said, "and give to God what belongs to God."

The fact that we're made in God's image means we have great value just as we are. It also means we belong to God.

So give God all your chromosomes. God takes X and Y.

Body Image and Good News

On the Body Image Project's website you will find the stories of young women who are struggling with our culture's messages. What struck me was their ages. Twenty, twenty-five, sixteen. All young. I'm still struggling with body image at age forty-six. Some unsolicited advice for the young women:

1. Don't think, "I will outgrow this." It could be dogging you when you're my age.

The good news: you don't have to wait til some magic age when you think you'll be over your body image struggle. Fight the messages now and win. A start: assume every photo of a woman in a magazine is altered. It probably is.

2. Don't imagine you'll find your true love and his approval will help. My brain found ways around that, like, "He's settling for my body because he loves me."

The good news: A man's approval is nice, but not necessary.

3. Don't rely on time to level the playing field. Sure, as we age, even "the most beautiful" people wrinkle, and gravity pulls everything downward. But you'll find excuses. "Look at her. She's fifty and still thin. It's not fair."

 The good news: Your worth is not wrapped up in looking young and beautiful according to someone else's standard. Your worth is in being the work of the Creator.

Our Creator is all about good news. Seems to be a pattern with my God.

Dehumanized

I live a pretty sheltered life. But sometimes another woman gives me a peek into the real world and what it feels like to be dehumanized. A friend gave me permission to share her story. These are her words except names have been changed. Some rough language is included, so be careful about who's reading over your shoulder.

*****************************************

In the past week, two people have asked me to show them body parts. These people are complete strangers to me. I was walking out of a bar, and a boy stopped me and said, "Will you show me your boobs?" I slapped the left side of his face. In the other incident, a text message from an unrecognized caller came around midnight.

"Is this Ashley?" the text said.
"Yes, who is this?" I asked.
"This is Mike. I have a friend who says you have a really nice ass, and I was wondering if you would mind showing me."

I hate to say that I responded ungraciously, telling him, "**** you." I will have to repent of that. I felt dehumanized, devalued, like I was reduced to the size of my breasts or the shape of my butt. I am pretty self-confident and really don't struggle with body image, so it catches me off-guard when I feel so low. I cannot believe the lack of respect these boys had for me. What in the world makes them think they have the right to ask to see my body?

How would girls who are not as self-confident respond? Would they show the boys something to be treasured to boost their self-esteem? Would they be grateful someone thought they were attractive and give in? These boys are like hyenas roaming through Africa on a hunt, trying their luck to find the weak antelope. They make a "kill" and see what they want to see, and it's a confidence booster for them.

Sometimes I enjoy the flattery when the guy I'm dating says something appropriate about the way I look, but I really just want someone to ask me an intellectual question. People assume I cannot be smart and look the way I do. My intelligence is the thing I value most about myself, and I hate it when that gets overlooked.

Any girl or woman should know she is so much more than the size of her breasts and shape of her butt. She was given unbelievable gifts from the King of the universe, and she should be valued for her soul and her heart.

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Couldn't have said it better myself, friend. Thanks for your candor. Stay strong, sister.