Scars

How do you stop believing a lie?
 You've been told all your life that you are too much or not  enough. You're too big, you're too small, you're not pretty enough. They're lies, and you know it. You know your value  rests in being a daughter of God and not in measuring up to  that standard.

Well, one side of your brain knows it.
The other side still believes the lies. In this life, we may never be 100% free of our feelings of inadequacy. We've been
brainwashed, and that's hard to reverse. We've been wounded. We have scars.

Back in 1969, when I was a toddler, I took a tumble and cut my face. The doctor put two stitches in my cheek, one inch under my left eye. In pictures from my childhood you can see a little H-shaped scar. I was proud of it. I told friends it was a brand because my last name was Herrmann. A few years ago I was planning to reunite with a childhood friend, and she asked if I still had the scar.

"I don't know, " I said. I hadn't thought about the scar in years. I looked in the mirror, and, sure enough, it was still there. But it had faded.

The same can be true of the emotional scars and attitudes we have about ourselves. On this side of heaven, we may never completely lose our insecurity. But we keep telling ourselves the truth.

And if you hear the truth enough, who knows? Maybe one day the feelings of inadequacy will fade. You'll believe the truth about how valuable you are. You'll peer into the mirror, and it will be hard to spot that scar.

God on Hands and Knees

For Christmas my husband promised me an amethyst ring. I wanted to inspect the stone before it was set. As the jeweler grasped it with a pair of tweezers, it popped out. Neither of us saw where it landed. Soon three store employees and I were searching on our hands and knees. One man flipped on a flashlight, but he said, "Too bad it's not a diamond. It would catch the light, and we'd see it right away."

There are people like that. Beautiful people who catch the light. The girls who get the boys' attention in school. The women who turn men's heads. Maybe you're one of those women. Maybe you're not.

In Luke 15, Jesus tells the story of a woman searching for a valuable silver coin. She lights a lamp and sweeps her home, eager to find it. It's a picture of God, down on hands and knees. God is looking for you and me, searching for people who are lost in a culture that denies our value because we don't measure up. Then God finds you -- there you are!-- and dances with joy. And, if I may take some liberties, in God's fingers we see not a coin, not a diamond, but an amethyst. The world says it's merely a semi-precious stone. But in God's eyes the tiny purple gem is beautiful and worth just as much as the rarest diamond.

An hour after I returned from the jewelry store, the phone rang. The jeweler had found the amethyst on the floor, hiding under an electrical cord. Soon my new amethyst will be set into a ring. Next time you see the color purple, think of yourself as that amethyst God was searching for. You wear purple -- the color of royalty. Of course you do. You're a daughter of the King.

Resolutions in Reverse

This year I resolve to:

1. Teach my daughter that her value is based on her looks.

2. Laugh about bachelor and bachelorette parties featuring strippers. It's all in good fun.

3. Always greet a little girl with, "Hey, pretty girl,"  so she'll know how important being pretty is.

4. Allow my children free rein on the Internet. At the ages of eight and fifteen, they're mature enough to sift through all the sexual messages and images.

5. Read my daughter stories in which beautiful people are good and not-so-beautiful people are evil so she will associate physical beauty with virtue.

6. Criticize my body within earshot of my daughter.

7. Disrespect my husband. He says I'm beautiful the way I am, but the culture says I don't measure up. And I respect the culture's opinion more than his.

I also resolve to feed my children poison, stab my husband in the back, and beat myself up regularly.

Here's to good health in 2014!

All I Want for Christmas

To the tune of "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth":

All I want for Christmas is two big ol' boobs
A tiny waist and sexy legs.
All I want for Christmas is a perfect face
So please bring me a plastic surgeon

Dear Santa,

Is it ethical for me to have plastic surgery?

For that matter, is it right to wear make-up? I cover up age spots with foundation. Am I capitulating to the culture that elevates youth and physical beauty?

Or is it simply adornment? If I may wear a necklace to accent my appearance, why is it wrong to camouflage or eliminate unsightly elements?

It's fine to wear jewelry and make-up. Even plastic surgery is acceptable, especially if the goal is to hide signs of aging and not to meet culture's unnatural vision of perfection.

Here's the problem. Our culture says a woman's value is tied up in her appearance. When I watch an aging male broadcaster on TV, I think, "He's wise and experienced." When I see an aging female, I think, "She should have some work done." I hope I can teach my children better. I want them to judge both women and men by their character, not by appearance.

So Santa, what I'd really like is equal treatment for women. Will that fit in my stocking?

Hear Me Roar

Last week, my eight-year old daughter and I watched Katy Perry's "Roar" video on my smart phone. I forgot that I had forbidden her to watch pop music videos. By the end of the song, I remembered why.

At the beginning of the video, Perry and a young man are exploring the jungle. He's soon taken out of the picture by a tiger, and the rest of the video focuses on Ms.Perry's exploits. She hunts, builds herself a hut, and tames animals. I like the idea that a woman can survive on her own. But may I speak to someone in the Jungle Wardrobe Department?

By the end of the video Perry wears a grass skirt and a leopard-skin top that reveals a lot of cleavage. Granted, a woman must have appropriate clothing for the jungle heat. But let's face it -- the point of the outfit is to show off Perry's body. Maybe her curvy body helps us associate femaleness with power. Nice idea, but I'm guessing that's not what girls hear. They get a mixed message. "You can do anything you set your mind to. But your value is also tangled up in your appearance."

I guess it's progress. In my childhood, many female leads were beautiful, but helpless. Today, some of them are beautiful and powerful. Let's hope we'll continue to advance, and one day rock stars will sing in the tropics without showing so much skin. A woman who tames the jungle while keeping her dignity -- that's a real tigress.

 

Aiding and Abetting

Are we fighting for the enemy?

A few months ago I mentioned the issue of how we talk to young girls. I want to follow up. As parents, teachers, and friends of girls, we try to plant the right ideas in their minds. We fight the messages we grew up with, the ones that tell girls, “It’s important to be pretty.” But are we guilty of conveying the same thing? 

Have you ever greeted a child with, "Hey, pretty girl"? What happens in her mind at that moment? Does she feel good about herself? Perhaps. It’s not always bad to compliment how a girl looks.

But when the first thing out of our mouths is a statement about her appearance, a girl learns that adults think being attractive is important. These comments pile up over the years, and their weight shapes the way she thinks. Every music video and magazine rack reinforces the message. On the Internet she can hear it at the click of a mouse. “You are your physical appearance. You are female, and nothing else matters for you.”

Here’s how to fight that mindset. Let the first thing out of your mouth be a comment on her interests, not her looks.

Is she on the playground? Ask, “What’s your favorite thing to climb on?”

Are you at her school or in the public library? Ask, “What do you like to read?”

Is she your neighbor? Say, “I see you walking your dog every day. What’s your dog’s name? Do you enjoy taking care of animals?”

These questions show her that we value her and what she thinks. She’ll start to believe us when we say there is more to her than appearance. Please keep this in mind the next time you interact with a girl so we can fight the lies of the culture.

Let’s stop unintentionally aiding and abetting the enemy.

Vashti's Valor

Vashti, Queen of Persia, does not get her due. And that would annoy Queen Esther.

You know the story of Esther, the Jewish young woman whose courage  saved her people. But you wouldn't know of Esther if it were not for Queen Vashti.

King Xerxes was throwing  a party and drinking too much, and he decided to trot out Vashti as entertainment. The king ordered her to put on her crown and display her  beauty to the guests. She refused. We don't exactly know why. But I suspect  that a woman with enough courage to disobey the king is the kind of person  who refused to be treated  like an object.

Xerxes' advisors warned that if Vashti was not punished, all the Persian women would follow her example and refuse to obey their husbands. Getting rid of Vashti was an attempt to keep women in chains, enslaved to men.

To replace Vashti, Xerxes chose Esther based on her beauty. But it was Esther's courage that saved the Jews from the evil intentions of Haman, Xerxes' second in command. However, if Vashti had not defied Xerxes, Esther would not have become queen, and countless Jews would have died.

It's as if God said, "You keep women in shackles and value them only for their physical beauty. But I raise up leaders whose true beauty is their valor."

God calls us to speak up, to fight forces that treat women as objects. It may be risky -- just ask Vashti and Esther. But God grants courage. Let's start breaking some chains.