Immodesty and Rape

Does immodesty lead to rape? If a woman wears a low-cut shirt and a mini-skirt, isn't she inviting inappropriate attention? If she's dressed like that, and a man rapes her, it's partly her fault, right? Doesn't she have to take some responsibility?

I have not thoroughly studied the mind-sets of rapists. I suspect their motives are varied and complex. And oftentimes women are raped when they are covered from head to toe, so immodesty has nothing to do with it.  But let's address this notion that women should bear some of the blame for being raped if they dress immodestly.

First, define immodest. The definition changes based on culture, time and situation. What American culture calls modest attire on a beach would be considered immodest at a wedding.

But let's assume we can agree that a certain woman is dressed immodestly. Then, yes, she is guilty of sin, first and foremost against God and herself. She is not treating her own body with respect. She has also sinned against other women and against men who may see her because (1) she is encouraging men to see women as objects, and (2) it's possible men will be tempted. HOWEVER, if a man sins as a result, she is NOT to blame for his sin.  He bears full responsibility for it. After all, which of us can say to God in ANY situation, "It was the tempter's fault that I sinned"?

We spend a lot of time telling women not to put themselves in situations where they could be raped. This is good information to have. But we must not overemphasize it, or it leads to the idea that it's a woman's responsibility not to be raped. How often do we tell men, "Don't rape"? Men need to hear, "No means no. Remember, sir, you control your own body."

Everyone should dress with modesty. But when it comes to crime, don't blame the victim.

 

 

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Agree? Disagree? Let me hear from you. Leave comments here or on Facebook.

Focus on Inadequacy

I needed a head shot. What I got was the photographer's take on a woman's sense of inadequacy.

A head shot is a close-up photo of a person's head used for publicity fliers and business cards. I was attending a Christian writers conference, and Mary Denman was the photographer. Mary's studio had a blue backdrop, lamps, and one of those black umbrellas that directs the light just right. She told me to sit on the four-legged metal stool set up in front of the backdrop. I obeyed and waited for her to tell me how to tilt my head so she got my good side.

But before I could say a word about which side that was, she stepped up to me, took my hands in hers and looked me in the eye.

"Wendy," she said, "every woman who has walked in here today has apologized for her looks. Every single one has criticized herself and focused on what she considers inadequacy. So we're going to pray together, okay?"

I hadn't expected this introduction, but I nodded and bowed my head.

"Lord Jesus," she prayed, "let Wendy see the beauty you have created in her. You have made us all beautiful, inside and out. Help us to remember that you are the Great Artist, and You create only beauty when you shape our faces and souls. Amen."

Mary proceeded to adjust the lamps and went to work with her digital camera. A few days later she emailed me ten photographs suitable for my business cards. I had encountered a servant of God who took quality photographs and delivered them along with truth and affirmation.

I got her good side.

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Ever complained to a photographer about your looks? Why? Leave your comments below or on Facebook. Let me learn from YOU. Find Mary Denman at www.marydenman.blogspot.com. Sign up at left to receive emails when I have new blog posts up.

Pick a Fight

The  Islamist terrorist group, Boko Haram, has kidnapped
hundreds of Nigerian girls.     

What does that have to do with this blog?

Everything.                        
 My goal is to remind women that their value is based on being God's creation, made in God's image. The kidnappers' low view of women provides a stark contrast. Refusing to educate girls is just one manifestation of their twisted belief system.

But even in countries that have made progress on women's rights, we still hear whispers of similar messages.

"Your value is tangled up in how you look. A man's desire for you is directly proportional to your worth."

Consider the local strip joint. Behind the flashing lights, pulsing music and cigarette smoke, a woman is treated like an object, and her body is bought and sold. And it's not just on the seedy side of town. It's on the grocery store magazine rack, on the Internet in your home, and, dare I say it, in our beauty pageants. Our daughters may be safer here than in Nigeria, but they are not safe.  See the difference?

What to do? There are many ways to deal with the culture. Since I opened the can of worms, maybe you should talk to your friends (or daughters) about pageants. What do they promote and what messages do they send?

Of course, kidnapping is a much more serious problem than beauty pageants. But is there a connection between the attitudes that give rise to both? I know. To pageant lovers, them's fightin' words, and maybe that's not your battle. But it's time to pick some fights. Where's yours?

Maternal Messaging

Who's to blame  for a woman's struggles with body image?

Barbie?
Cosmopolitan Magazine?
The Internet?

No, the most dangerous enemy is much closer to home. When you were young, she probably lived in your house, cooked your meals, and taught you how to shave your legs.

Mothers are the No.1 cause of body issues for girls.

Did your mom affirm your inner and outer beauty, or did she criticize your shape?
Did she focus on your achievements, or zero in on your appearance?
Did she praise your looks, but criticize her own? "Sweetie, you look beautiful. It's a good thing you're not fat, like me."

The way your mother addressed this issue may directly influence the way you're handling it now.

Are you still carrying around baggage Mom packed and placed on your back? Or was it a mixed bag -- some positive messages and some negative? First, separate the truths she told you from the lies. Believe the truths.

If you have a daughter:

• Focus on her accomplishments, not on her appearance.
• Encourage healthy eating and exercise, not diets. Don't focus on your own weight or shape.
• Discuss messages she hears from the media.

And, if necessary, forgive your daughter's grandmother for things she said and did to you. That may be a process and not a simple act. Some wounds are deep, and we need God's help to forgive. Don't forget to thank your mother for what she did right.

On Mother's Day, send her some flowers or take her out for Sunday lunch.

And thank her for teaching you how to shave your legs.

Manure on Marble

God made you beautiful.

“But I’m not,” you protest. “My face is not the face of a model. Neither is my body.” Perhaps you don’t have perfect facial features or a large bust or a thin waist. But remember, you’re thinking of a recent American ideal. Leave this country and you’ll find different definitions of physical beauty. For that matter, if you polled American men, not all of them would agree with that “perfect” image.

Why is that standard in your head? Because someone who is selling something put it there.

“Small-breasted? Buy this push-up bra! Not thin? Try this brand of underwear! New wrinkles popping out? Our facial cream works wonders!”

Don’t let someone trying to make a buck tell you what beautiful is.

More importantly, don’t be content to scratch the surface of beauty. Look deeper. Your soul is a work of art. Think of your closest friend. What do you like about her? Her sense of humor? Listening skills? Those are her inner beauty marks. You have your own as well. Ask your friends what they are.

Even the most conniving, sour, selfish woman has inner beauty, because at its core, her soul is like pristine marble. But it’s covered in sin – like a statue caked with manure.

If we’re honest, that’s the state of all our souls. We’re made in God’s beautiful image but fouled by sin. We look to Jesus, the Living Water, to wash our statues clean.

Let God turn the hose on.

Tangled in a Tape Measure

A tape measure would solve this.

When a man shops for clothes, he knows his measure-ments. He looks at the rack and finds the number. Simple.

For women it's more complicated. Our clothes are not sized in inches. And a size 10 dress is larger than it used to be. With bras, it's reversed.

I am small busted. You know those calculations for finding your bra size? (Gentlemen, listen and learn.) "First, measure under your breasts, and then add five inches. This is your band size. Next measure the fullest part of your bust. Subtract the first number from the second. If the result is four, you are a D-cup (the largest one). If the answer is three, you are a C-cup," and so on.  When I do the math, I get a negative number.

There is no way I am anything but an A cup, but the lingerie department wants me to flatter me. So they've made B cup bras smaller. Sneaky.

We want the grade inflation so we can live the fantasy of being a nicer size. Otherwise we'll have to face the truth of the tape measure.

Are you tangled up in the lies the culture tells us about our beauty and value? Convinced that you'll never measure up?  Good news. Your value does not lie in meeting the culture's standard. You are a woman of eternal value because you are made in the image of God. Period. Use that truth to cut through the lies.

Snip, snip.

Power Stretch

I pull the clothing catalog out of the mailbox and glance at it.
Some decisions are easy.   I toss the

magazine into the recycling bin. From front cover to back, this company preaches that it's okay to wear tight-fitting dresses with plunging necklines.  And that busty plus thin equals beautiful. Not a message my daughter and I need to hear.

But there's a catalog that always makes it into the house. It's from Athleta, a company that sells women's athletic clothing. Their motto is, "Power to the She." I make a point of sitting on the sofa with my eight-year-old daughter to flip through the pages. The models are athletes in real life, and they are pictured riding surf boards or running or in stretch positions. We try to duplicate the poses.

"Can you do that one?" I ask my daughter as I point to a model who has her foot behind her ear. My flexible little girl is much better than I at holding the pose. I blame my sciatica.

This is what I want my daughter to see -- real, healthy women taking on physical challenges. Granted, the models are slender, and that may be annoying to healthy women who are not as small. And I know the marketing people at Athleta make sure the sports bras and yoga pants look good on these women. They probably digitally enhance the photos just as much as the next company. But at least Athleta focuses on strength and confidence. Their message: what a woman can do is at least as important as how she looks.

I'll take it. Any catalog that promotes a woman's strength and accomplishment is welcome in my house.

Power to the She.

Yes, indeed.