Breasts

In honor of breast cancer awareness month (which is October) and because I had a mammogram today, let's talk about boobs. That's a silly, disrespectful thing to call them, these amazing nourishment-producing parts of a woman's body. But, oh, how often breasts are treated with levity. Not that breasts must always be serious, but when talk arises of Hooters restaurant and wet t-shirt contests, many women -- be they large or small busted -- are uncomfortable.

Advertisers tell us that only large breasts are attractive to a man. It makes sense. Females who are not sexually mature have no breasts, and women who are sexually mature have breasts. So it follows that the bigger they are, the more mature and attractive the woman is to a sexually mature male who wishes to procreate. This, of course, is a lie, but it sells more push-up bras than the truth.

But what about Hooters and wet t-shirt contests? Don't they prove that men prefer big ones? No. If your breasts are large and you're wearing a tank top or wet t-shirt, then they're hard to miss. But get a man one-on-one and small breasts are just as arousing as large. Or so I'm told by friends who are male.

The media is also limited by obscenity laws. In most advertising, nipples and frontal nudity below the waist are verboten. So what choice do they have? Advertisers have a fraction of a second to get your attention, and bigger things catch the eye faster.

Ah, if only the media were like the mammogram machine. It's looking for small things, namely tumors, to identify a big thing, namely cancer. So look to the media for lies and to your mammogram machine for facts. It'll squeeze the truth right out of you.

God's help

I struggle with the magazine ads and Internet photos of "perfect" bodies. I tell myself to believe God's truth, not the culture's lies, about a woman's worth. I proclaim that we are made in God's image. But in my struggle, it never occurs to me to ask for God's help.

Do I think God is unconcerned when God's daughters (and sons) believe their worth is tied up in appearance? Is it possible that God cringes when commercials tell us we will not be beautiful until we buy their product? Well, if you overheard an adult tell a child, "You are worthless because your body doesn't measure up," would you be angry? Our anger is a reflection of God's anger. God cares about this. Ask for God's help.

So how should I pray?

God, help me stop comparing myself to other women. I don't know how to stop believing the lie that a beautiful woman must look like this or that. Show me how. Remind me not to click on the sites that extol or criticize a celebrity's body. Tell me if I'm demanding too much of myself when I think, "I must change my thinking on this NOW." I've been thoroughly brainwashed on this by our culture. It may take time to learn new thought habits. Help me to be patient with my brain.

How should YOU pray? I don't know because I don't know your struggle. Honesty is a good place to start. God's chosen people are called Israel. The name means "wrestles with God."  Wrestling with God is not always a bad thing. Better to wrestle with God than ignore God. We need God's help if we're going to wrestle with the culture. So climb into the ring, ask hard questions, and ask for healing and help.

There's the bell.

Fifty Shades

Is it okay to write about Fifty Shades of Grey if I haven't read the book or seen the movie? No, I don't think so. However, I have read a few blogs by people who have read/seen Fifty Shades. So I'm allowed to comment on the blogs.

It's interesting that the movie is condemned by both sides of the cultural divide. Since when do Left and Right agree? One feminist web site condemned the movie for promoting the use of force in sex. If both parties are fine with bondage/dominance/sadism/masochism as shown in Fifty Shades, that's okay, the writer said. But Anastasia, the female protagonist, does not give consent to everything done by Christian, the male lead. Lack of consent is the main problem.

What made me mad was the feminist's critique of some Christians' response. She accused Christians of focusing all their ire at the premarital sex and ignoring the consent issue. This is probably true of some Christians. We should condemn with equal vigor both the extramarital sex and the movie's approval of non consensual sexual activity. The thing is -- many Christians do give the two sins equal weight. Don't lump all Christians together in every accusation.

It also makes me mad when Christians lump all feminists together. Some of us feminists (yep, I include myself) are Christians and anti-sex-outside-of-marriage.

Here's my request for both sides: Please don't assume you know what all Christians think. Don't assume you know what all feminists think. Don't generalize. When you're painting your Fifty Shades of Grey, don't use too broad a brush.

Trapped

I am a woman. The culture tells me I must look my best. I must be pretty to attract a man. Some people in the Church say my highest calling is to be a wife and mother, so I must look nice to catch a man's eye. I must be tasty bait. Bait must be caught, trapped.

Others in the Church (or sometimes the very same people) say I must not attract too much male attention. They say, if a male desires me too much, it is my fault. If a male violates me to any degree, I'm to blame because I tempted him. I must not wear two-piece swim suits. I must not wear short skirts or any top that suggests I have breasts. 

"Do not wear anything that shows your figure at all," some women hear. "Don't even show your face because it could be a temptation. Come to think of it, a man could see you clad head-to-toe in a shapeless garment and still be tempted. So do not leave the house." Trapped.

I am a woman. I must attract men. I must repel men. I must live to meet the needs of men. I must do this out of obedience to God. That's what I hear.

I am a woman, and I am trapped. Please God, tell me you're not like those males. Tell me you are not male at all. Set me free.

Am I Beautiful?

I often write that women should not use the measuring stick of our culture. When you ask yourself, "Am I beautiful?" the answer is yes, no matter what anyone says. And inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. But a friend of mine got me thinking.

She's a size 28 and single. Over the years I've picked up the message that anyone that size is lazy. But I'm trying to teach myself to (1) mind my own business, because I don't know her story and struggle, (2) realize that a large person may be trying to lose weight and that the piece of cake on her plate could be a rare treat, and (3) did I mention I should mind my own business?

My friend is being treated by a doctor for a hormonal problem that affects her weight. She has a new healthy attitude about food. But she still struggles with the question, "Am I beautiful?" She has given me permission to quote her.

 

"It kills me," she says, "to think my own father cannot look at me and say I'm beautiful. I used to think being beautiful on the inside would be more than enough for me. But there is something inherent in women that yearns for beauty. And if our physical beauty is not affirmed by our own families, how can we expect anyone else to ever see us as beautiful? Or how can we affirm beauty in ourselves? Maybe if I were skinny, I would be married. On principle I do not want to be married if the only thing standing between singleness and wedded bliss is my physical appearance. But there's that little nagging voice inside me, the voice of my father."

 

Is she right? Is there something inborn in women that makes us yearn to be told we are lovely? Is it something we need to reject because it leans too heavily on meeting a cultural, physical standard? Or can we reject the standard and still embrace our desire to be beautiful?

 

I'll let you decide for yourself. And mind my own business.

How Women Feel

In China the toughest men go to "Pain Experience Camp."
Want to know how women feel during labor? In Jinan, a city in eastern China, husbands of pregnant women volunteer to have a technician tape four electrodes to their stomachs. The flow of current ranges from a tingle at level one to an excruciating level 10. Men gnash their teeth and their eyes go bloodshot before the simulator reaches its peak. Contractions would actually equal a 12, so I guess they take it easy on the men. Not to mention that what the men are doing lasts a few minutes, not hours on end like real labor.

This is a great idea. Every expectant father should know how women feel while giving birth. There are other kinds of pain women feel that I wish men could experience occasionally, just so they'd understand us a bit better.

• Men (and other women) question our competency merely because we're women.
• People call us bossy -- or the other B word -- for being assertive.
• Men ignore us if we're not beautiful.
• On the flip side, it's a liability to be beautiful in the boardroom because men (and some other women) assume you can't be beautiful and smart.

These are generalizations. Not all men question our competency. Some strong, authoritative women are well-respected. (Margaret Thatcher, anyone?) Often, once coworkers get to know us, they look past our looks. And I can't blame men too much for the negative assumptions because it's what they've been taught. It's what we've all been taught.

Let's go back to the classroom and start teaching the right stuff. Assume that a woman is just as competent as a man unless you have reason to believe otherwise. Praise girls for being assertive. Don't favor or discriminate against women who are beautiful.

Then men will know what it's like to be a woman because it will be a lot like being a man. We women will still have to birth the babies, though. Having done that once, I thank God for epidurals. I didn't care if my anesthesiologist was male or female, as long as the epidural worked. And it did. Pain Experience Camp was over, and I was one happy camper.

Sex and Santa Claus

Sex and Santa Claus: Lies Your Parents Told You. One day I will write that book. Can you think of two subjects parents lie about more? Okay, I know many parents will say they don't tell lies about Santa. They just let their kids indulge in a lovely fantasy. 

So if this is about sex and Santa, what did you learn as a child about sex? What did they tell you about the origin of babies? When I was very young, my parents told me they prayed for a baby, and that's how I came to be in the womb. There's truth to that. Later Mom gave me a proper plumbing lesson.

We hear as many lies about the value of our bodies as we do about sex. Most of the lies are related to sex because we're told we are not desirable unless we have the right shape, height, and facial features. How do we stop believing the lies?

1. Stop ingesting the poison. Don't click on the site that you know will make you feel inadequate.

2. Talk to real men about it. What do they consider beautiful in a woman? Many of them will tell you something different from what the diet or make-up company is telling you. Then ask yourself, "Which one is selling something?"

3. Even a man's opinion is not the bottom line. The most important fact is that you are created in God's image and that you have intrinsic value. It may sound dry and theological, but only until you internalize it. After that it's still theological, but wet -- like water -- life-giving. Truth is that way.

Naughty or nice. Lies are naughty. Truth is nice. Just ask Santa.