Resolutions in Reverse

This year I resolve to:

1. Teach my daughter that her value is based on her looks.

2. Laugh about bachelor and bachelorette parties featuring strippers. It's all in good fun.

3. Always greet a little girl with, "Hey, pretty girl,"  so she'll know how important being pretty is.

4. Allow my children free rein on the Internet. At the ages of eight and fifteen, they're mature enough to sift through all the sexual messages and images.

5. Read my daughter stories in which beautiful people are good and not-so-beautiful people are evil so she will associate physical beauty with virtue.

6. Criticize my body within earshot of my daughter.

7. Disrespect my husband. He says I'm beautiful the way I am, but the culture says I don't measure up. And I respect the culture's opinion more than his.

I also resolve to feed my children poison, stab my husband in the back, and beat myself up regularly.

Here's to good health in 2014!