Am I Beautiful?

I often write that women should not use the measuring stick of our culture. When you ask yourself, "Am I beautiful?" the answer is yes, no matter what anyone says. And inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. But a friend of mine got me thinking.

She's a size 28 and single. Over the years I've picked up the message that anyone that size is lazy. But I'm trying to teach myself to (1) mind my own business, because I don't know her story and struggle, (2) realize that a large person may be trying to lose weight and that the piece of cake on her plate could be a rare treat, and (3) did I mention I should mind my own business?

My friend is being treated by a doctor for a hormonal problem that affects her weight. She has a new healthy attitude about food. But she still struggles with the question, "Am I beautiful?" She has given me permission to quote her.

 

"It kills me," she says, "to think my own father cannot look at me and say I'm beautiful. I used to think being beautiful on the inside would be more than enough for me. But there is something inherent in women that yearns for beauty. And if our physical beauty is not affirmed by our own families, how can we expect anyone else to ever see us as beautiful? Or how can we affirm beauty in ourselves? Maybe if I were skinny, I would be married. On principle I do not want to be married if the only thing standing between singleness and wedded bliss is my physical appearance. But there's that little nagging voice inside me, the voice of my father."

 

Is she right? Is there something inborn in women that makes us yearn to be told we are lovely? Is it something we need to reject because it leans too heavily on meeting a cultural, physical standard? Or can we reject the standard and still embrace our desire to be beautiful?

 

I'll let you decide for yourself. And mind my own business.

How Women Feel

In China the toughest men go to "Pain Experience Camp."
Want to know how women feel during labor? In Jinan, a city in eastern China, husbands of pregnant women volunteer to have a technician tape four electrodes to their stomachs. The flow of current ranges from a tingle at level one to an excruciating level 10. Men gnash their teeth and their eyes go bloodshot before the simulator reaches its peak. Contractions would actually equal a 12, so I guess they take it easy on the men. Not to mention that what the men are doing lasts a few minutes, not hours on end like real labor.

This is a great idea. Every expectant father should know how women feel while giving birth. There are other kinds of pain women feel that I wish men could experience occasionally, just so they'd understand us a bit better.

• Men (and other women) question our competency merely because we're women.
• People call us bossy -- or the other B word -- for being assertive.
• Men ignore us if we're not beautiful.
• On the flip side, it's a liability to be beautiful in the boardroom because men (and some other women) assume you can't be beautiful and smart.

These are generalizations. Not all men question our competency. Some strong, authoritative women are well-respected. (Margaret Thatcher, anyone?) Often, once coworkers get to know us, they look past our looks. And I can't blame men too much for the negative assumptions because it's what they've been taught. It's what we've all been taught.

Let's go back to the classroom and start teaching the right stuff. Assume that a woman is just as competent as a man unless you have reason to believe otherwise. Praise girls for being assertive. Don't favor or discriminate against women who are beautiful.

Then men will know what it's like to be a woman because it will be a lot like being a man. We women will still have to birth the babies, though. Having done that once, I thank God for epidurals. I didn't care if my anesthesiologist was male or female, as long as the epidural worked. And it did. Pain Experience Camp was over, and I was one happy camper.

Sex and Santa Claus

Sex and Santa Claus: Lies Your Parents Told You. One day I will write that book. Can you think of two subjects parents lie about more? Okay, I know many parents will say they don't tell lies about Santa. They just let their kids indulge in a lovely fantasy. 

So if this is about sex and Santa, what did you learn as a child about sex? What did they tell you about the origin of babies? When I was very young, my parents told me they prayed for a baby, and that's how I came to be in the womb. There's truth to that. Later Mom gave me a proper plumbing lesson.

We hear as many lies about the value of our bodies as we do about sex. Most of the lies are related to sex because we're told we are not desirable unless we have the right shape, height, and facial features. How do we stop believing the lies?

1. Stop ingesting the poison. Don't click on the site that you know will make you feel inadequate.

2. Talk to real men about it. What do they consider beautiful in a woman? Many of them will tell you something different from what the diet or make-up company is telling you. Then ask yourself, "Which one is selling something?"

3. Even a man's opinion is not the bottom line. The most important fact is that you are created in God's image and that you have intrinsic value. It may sound dry and theological, but only until you internalize it. After that it's still theological, but wet -- like water -- life-giving. Truth is that way.

Naughty or nice. Lies are naughty. Truth is nice. Just ask Santa.

Advice for a Thirteen-Year-Old

Ever wish you could go back in time and give yourself some advice? Here's my advice for a thirteen-year-old me.

1. About that boy who insults you and makes obscene comments about your body: I'm not excusing his behavior, but cut him some slack. His dad died two years ago, and he's hurting more than you are.

2. Hang on to those A-cup bras, thirteen-year-old. You'll never need a bigger size. And that's not the tragedy you think it is.

3. Ignore photos in magazines that make models look "perfect." Those women don't really look like that. It's all lighting and make-up. And you won't believe what 2014 technology can do to photos.

4. There will be a movie produced in 1985 called, "Breakfast Club." Go see it. It will give you insight about the kids you go to school with. The ones you think are perfect and have everything together.

5. Every time you hear a friend or an enemy or the media say, "This is what you must look like to have worth," say to yourself, "It's a lie."

6. Do number 5 again because the media will get more pervasive. There's this thing coming called the Internet, and it will spread lies.

7. The good news is that the Internet will also spread truth. You'll write a blog in 2014, and maybe you'll help the truth along. Never mind what a blog is. Just start taking notes now on your smart phone. Wait -- the only phone you have is a plain ol' phone. All is not lost -- including your phone because it's attached to the wall by a cord. Enjoy the good ol' days.

Cat-calls

Are cat-calls compliments?

I mean, really, what woman doesn't want to be admired by men for the way she looks?

Syndicated columnist Suzanne Fields writes that recently-elected Republican women are the embodiment of female power, as opposed to women Democrats who, according to Fields, "are focusing on victimhood and crying harassment at every slur and imagined arrow."

Fields mentions a video in which a woman walks through New York for ten hours. (She's not the woman in the photo above. The video woman was wearing a sweatsuit. Not that it matters.) She receives more than one hundred cat-calls from men. Fields scoffs at the idea that it's harassment when a man calls out, "What's up, beautiful?" or "What ya doin' today?"

"There was nothing menacing in the flirtatious banter," says Fields, and she recommends that women "Shake It Off," as Taylor Swift's new song advises.

Ms.Fields is wrong. If my husband or boyfriend says, "What's up, beautiful?" it's a welcome compliment from a man who has earned the right to comment on my appearance. Men who are strangers have no such right, even if it sounds like a compliment. What about a male co-worker? Is he inbounds if he tastefully compliments my appearance? Even that may be inappropriate at the office depending on the relationship. If we are in a group at a bar for happy hour, a polite compliment is probably acceptable if both of us are single. It's flirting. If I flirt back, it means I am comfortable with the gentleman's interest.

But the stranger on the street has no right to make any comment, positive or negative, on my appearance, and I have no right to comment on his.

Perhaps what Fields fails to appreciate is that there are degrees of harassment. Obviously, an unwelcome compliment is not rape. But that does not make cat-calls okay.

It's good to pay someone a compliment on their appearance.

But earn the right first.

Heal the Body Image

Ever watched your body heal?

I was cooking last week when my right wrist made contact with the inside of my oven.

"Ouch!" I quickly ran cold water over the spot. It hurt for a few minutes, and then I forgot about it.  It slowly began to heal. The area turned pink over the next few days and only hurt if I touched it. Then the skin turned dark and began to peel. Now I have a large tear-drop shaped scar with new-pink skin inside a ring of brownish peel. In a few days it will hard to spot the wound.

Have you considered how amazing it is that the body heals itself? Think of the hundreds of cuts and burns you have sustained since childhood. What if they didn't heal? You'd probably be sick or dead from infection.

And that's just one angle. Think of the thousands of processes your body performs every day to protect itself, to process information, to move, digest, clean the blood.

This is the body I hate. At least I hate parts of it. This is the body I'm told is not enough.

Makes me want to respond to all the magazines, "Are you kidding? You're telling me this is ugly? This walking, talking, healing work of art?"

If you believe in a sentient, personal Creator, as I do, you have to admire the God who made such a thing.

So watch out when cooking. You don't want to damage the artwork. But if you do, take a peek under the Band-Aid every day or so. Watch the healing of your body, and it might begin the healing of your soul.

Renee Zellweger

What to say about Renee?

Renee Zellweger, that is. She showed up at the Elle Women in Hollywood Awards and was not quite herself. Or at least she didn't look like herself.

Did she get a face lift? Have her eyes done? She hardly looks like the same person.

My first reaction was, whatever you've done, Renee, undo it because your face is your brand. The little bit of marketing I've learned says to always be recognizable. People come to expect something from you, and you need to deliver. Take, for example, Coca Cola's red label. Pick it up anywhere in the world, and you know what you're getting. It's predictable and safe, and that's what customers want.

But do I really want to compare Renee Zellweger to a soda? She's a person. She's more than a business, more than an actor.

Zellweger says her new look is due to healthier living and happiness. If that's true, good for her. I'm not opposed to plastic surgery, either, to a degree. If someone wants an eye lift, that's a personal decision. Bottom line, I hope she's healthy and happy. So, pop open a soda in honor of Renee.

As the Coke slogan says, Open Happiness.